Most serious diarists have a separate profile on their page other than the one that Diaryland provides for you.

And I’m just as good as them, dammit (or at least my daily affirmations say so).

So here it is. My pretentious self-driven profile, entirely at your disposal.

One warning, friends—I haven’t thought through this… it is entirely stream of consciousness.

Tay yammo Carly.

Things that make me:

softball, theater, Kevin Smith, Jason Lee, Ramen instant noodles, flip flops, Columbia University, Oldies, Punk Rock, Rock, Bon Jovi, Weezer, New Found Glory, Sutton Foster, chewing my lip until it bleeds (not in a masochistic way— trust me), fondue, my newly un-brace-ed teeth, Disney, New York, Movies, Will & Grace, Friends, The Simpsons, Margaret Cho, Dane Cook, my watch that I’ve had since my freshman year, Jim Carrey, The Price is Right, thrift stores, expensive stores, Laser tag

And I can proudly say that I’m in the 50% of Diaryland members that can honestly say my cats are not my best friends. In fact, I like to juggle them at times.

And with that, I would like to list a bunch of crazy movie quotes:

“The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom. I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you a good phoney fever is a deadlock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office--that's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school.”

“Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.”

--Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

"Be a Man" tape: Repeat after me: Yo!
Howard Brackett: Yo!
"Be a Man" tape: Hot damn!
Howard Brackett: Hot damn!
"Be a Man" tape: What a fabulous window treatment!
Howard Brackett: What a fab . . .
"Be a Man" tape: That was a trick!

“I will be as a fly on the wall , a grain of salt in the ocean . I will slip among them like a transparent ....thing.”
“Isn't this incredible?!?!? It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everybody loves a slinky! You gotta get a slinky! Slinky! Slinky Go Slinky go!”

Carolyn: I see you're smoking pot now. I suppose you think smoking illegal psychotropic substances is a good example to set for our sixteen year-old daughter?!
Lester: You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.

--American Beauty (can I get a hip hip hooray for Kevin Spacey for making this movie spectacular???)

“Feed me a stray cat.”

(from an ATM machine)—American Psycho

“I think people who speak in metaphors oughtta shampoo my crotch.”

“So never, never again interrupt me. Okay? I mean, never. Not 30 years from now...not if there's fire. Not even if you hear a thud from inside my home and a week later there's a smell from inside that can only come be a decaying body and you have to hold a hanky against your face because the stench is so thick you think you're gonna faint even then don't come knocking or, if it's election night and you're excited and want to celebrate because some fudge-packer you dated has been elected the first queer President of the United States...and he's going to put you up in Camp David and you just want to share the moment with someone...don't knock...not on this door. Do ya get me Sweetheart?”

“Explain to me how you can diagnose someone as 'obsessive compulsive disorder' and then act like I have any choice in barging in.”

--As Good As It Gets

“Damn the devil, damn the devil to hell!”

--Bedazzled

Alexander: Could those be the miners?
Fred: Sure, they're what, like three?
Alexander: Miners, not minors!
Chen: You lost me.

--Galaxy Quest

Mr. Tinkles: I want you to stay here.
Other Cat: Why?
Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you

--Cats & Dogs

Hooper: Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why Jughead wears that crown-looking hat all the time. He's the king of Queen Archie's world.
Banky: I feel a hate crime coming on.

“Look at this morose motherfucker right here. Looks like somebody shit in his cereal.”

--Chasing Amy

“I'll fuck anything that moves!”

Caitlin: Can I use the bathroom?
Randal: There’s no lights back there.
Caitlin: Why aren’t there any lights?
Randal: Well there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
Caitlin: You're kidding.
Randal: Nobody can figure it out, and the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin: Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal: And I'm caught in the middle--torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.

Customer: Excuse me....sir. Do you know if any of these movies are any good?
Randal: I don’t know, I don't watch movies.
Customer: Well have you heard anybody say anything about them?
Randal: I find its best to stay out of other peoples affairs.
Customer: You mean you haven’t heard anyone say anything about either one of these?
Randal: Nope.
Customer: Well what about these two?
Randal: Oh they suck.
Customer: These are the same two movies--you weren’t paying any attention.
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Customer: I don't think you manager would appreciate.....
Randal: I don’t appreciate your ruse ma'am
Customer: I beg your pardon.
Randal: Your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I was just pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal: And I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the short comings of others is there.
Customer: Well this is the last time I rent here.
Randal: You will be missed.
Customer: Screw you!
Randal: Hey, you're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: YEAH!!!

“Salsa shark. Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. Shark's in the salsa. Our shark. We're gonna need a bigger boat!”

--Clerks (easily my favorite movie to quote)

“No more rhymes now, I mean it!” ... “Anybody want a peanut?”

“True love is the greatest thing in the world!... Except for a nice MLT – mutton, lettuce, tomato sandwich. Where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe - they're so perky - I love that!!!”

“Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today.”

--The Princess Bride

Sadly enough, I could go on. I love movies—if you didn’t notice.

That’s my profile.

You read the whole thing.

That’s pathetic.